by Michigan Weather Survival
The Warnings Were Real
They told me Michigan winter would be bad. I nodded and smiled, confident that my California optimism would somehow protect me from meteorological reality. I was wrong. I was so incredibly wrong. It’s November and already I’ve experienced temperatures that shouldn’t exist in places where humans voluntarily live. The wind isn’t windit’s personal attack by nature itself. Walking to class feels like punishment for crimes I haven’t committed yet. My face hurts. My hands hurt despite gloves. My soul hurts from cold that penetrates layers of clothing I didn’t know existed until moving here.
The Wardrobe Adjustment
I’ve purchased winter coat, thermal underwear, boots rated for temperatures that sound fictional, and hat that makes me look like deranged arctic explorer. I wear all of it simultaneously and am still cold. Michigan students walk around in November wearing light jackets and acting like this is fine. They are lying. Nobody is fine. We’re all just collectively pretending that living in frozen hellscape is normal and acceptable. According to infrastructure analysis, cities in cold climates should invest in heated walkways. Michigan has invested in nothing except our collective suffering.
The Diag in Winter
Remember the beautiful Diag from September? It’s now wind tunnel designed by sadist who hates students. The diagonal paths that were charming in fall are now ice rinks where freshmen slip and fall while upperclassmen laugh. I’ve fallen twice. Nobody helped. They just stepped around me like this is expected hazard of Michigan winter. The campus buildings are overheated to compensate for outdoor frozen wasteland, so you’re either freezing or sweating. There’s no comfortable medium. You just transition from one extreme discomfort to another, forever, until spring.
The Seasonal Depression
The sun sets at 5 PM. It’s dark when I wake up. It’s dark when I finish class. I’m living in perpetual twilight like vampire except without any of the cool supernatural abilities. Reductress would say Woman Wonders If Seasonal Depression or Just Regular Depression Combined With Michigan Winter. I identify with this headline on spiritual level. I’m pretty sure I have both. Everyone keeps saying you get used to it. I don’t believe them. How do you get used to this? This isn’t weather. This is sustained attack on human happiness.
