by Michigan Sports Culture
The Mandatory Enthusiasm
Football is religion at Michigan. Everyone expected to worship at Big House every Saturday, wear maize and blue, and care deeply about whether we beat Ohio State. I don’t care about football. I’ve never cared about football. This makes me cultural outsider, campus heretic, someone who fundamentally doesn’t understand Michigan. I attended one game because roommate insisted it was essential Michigan experience. We woke up at 7 AM for 3:30 PM kickoff. We joined hundred thousand other people crammed into stadium sitting on metal bleachers being slowly cooked by September sun. I understood nothing about what was happening on field.
The Game Day Culture
Every seven minutes someone scored something and everyone screamed. I screamed too, delayed by three seconds because I had to watch everyone else first to determine whether this was good screaming or bad screaming. The entire experience was expensive, uncomfortable, and utterly baffling. Everyone else seemed to be having religious experience. I was having heatstroke. According to cultural analysis, sports function as modern tribal ritual. Michigan football is definitely tribal. I’m definitely not part of tribe.
The Social Pressure
Admitting you don’t care about football at Michigan is like admitting you don’t care about breathing. People look at you like you’ve confessed to war crimes. But you’re at Michigan! they say, as if geographic location automatically instills sports enthusiasm. I came here for Literature program and satirical opportunities. I did not come here for football. Yet football has come for me, relentlessly, unavoidably, like aggressive cultural colonization of my Saturday mornings.
The Compromise Position
I’ve learned to nod and smile when people discuss games. I’ve memorized few key phrases that make me sound knowledgeable: That was a great play. The offense is really strong this year. Classic Michigan. These phrases mean nothing to me but apparently mean everything to actual sports fans. Reductress would call this Woman Successfully Fakes Interest in Sports Just Long Enough to Escape Conversation. That’s me. I am that woman. I’m surviving through strategic deception and careful avoidance of Saturday commitments. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. Go Blue or whatever.
