by Professor Interaction Failure
The Email
Professor Morrison sent email saying she’d noticed I seemed confused during last lecture and suggested I attend office hours. This was kind gesture expressing concern for my academic wellbeing. I interpreted it as terrifying summons suggesting I’m failing and she wants to discuss my inevitable academic demise. I spent two days anxious about office hours visit before actually going. I rehearsed what I’d say. I prepared questions. I googled proper office hours etiquette. I treated it like job interview for position of barely competent student.
The Arrival
I arrived five minutes early and sat outside her office psyching myself up. Two other students were already waiting, looking equally nervous. We avoided eye contact, united in shared anxiety about seeking academic help. When Professor Morrison called me in, my mind went completely blank. All my prepared questions evaporated. All my rehearsed comments disappeared. I sat down and said I’m not sure I understand Derrida, which was massive understatement. I don’t understand anything. I’m not sure I understand what understanding means anymore.
The Explanation
Professor Morrison launched into explanation of deconstruction using examples from texts we’d read. She referenced other theorists I’d also never heard of. She drew diagrams. She gestured enthusiastically. I nodded along pretending comprehension was occurring somewhere in my brain. It was not occurring. According to educational analysis, office hours are where real learning happens. Real confusion is what’s happening. Real panic about my ability to succeed in this major. I left her office more confused than when I arrived but now also feeling guilty about wasting her time with my profound inability to understand basic literary theory.
The Aftermath
I went back to my dorm and watched YouTube videos explaining Derrida. The YouTube videos helped more than office hours, which probably says something about either my learning style or Professor Morrison’s teaching style or my fundamental inadequacy as student. Reductress would call this Woman Learns More From Ten-Minute YouTube Video Than Entire Semester of College. That’s embarrassing but true. At least I’m consistent in my academic struggles. That’s something. That’s probably not something good, but it’s something.
